How to Observe Without Judging
The first step in communicating clearly is learning to separate what we actually see from the judgments we make about it. When we mix observations with evaluations, the person listening is likely to hear criticism. Instead of understanding the message, they often become defensive and resist what is being said. This does not mean we must never form opinions or remain perfectly objective; it simply means we should keep our descriptions of what happened separate from our personal interpretations of those events.
Our language often relies on labels that suggest a permanent state of being. Using words like lazy or stupid limits how we see others because these labels imply that a person is always one way. In reality, people and situations are constantly changing. To communicate more effectively, we should use language that describes specific actions at specific times. For example, saying someone has not scored a goal in twenty games is a clear observation, whereas calling them a poor player is an evaluation that invites an argument.
Marshall B. Rosenberg discovered how difficult this can be while working with school teachers who were frustrated with their principal. When asked for their concerns, the teachers used labels, saying the principal had a big mouth. These were judgments rather than observations. Eventually, they identified the specific behavior: the principal told long stories about his childhood during meetings, causing them to run twenty minutes late. By focusing on the specific action rather than a label, the staff could address the issue without the principal feeling attacked.
Even common words like always, never, or frequently often act as evaluations when used as exaggerations. Saying "You are always busy" feels like an attack, while saying "The last three times I called, you were unable to talk" is a factual observation. When we stick to the facts of what we see and hear, we create a space where others can listen without feeling judged, making it much easier to connect and find solutions together.
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